I've fallen and I can't get up!
Mood:  cheeky
Ah crap....I fell off the wagon and am laying in the middle opf a huge field next to the wheel of my wagon chomping away on Burger King chicken fries and smokin' a J. I really have been cheating on my diet the past 3 days. I havent even gone to the gym...woe is me.
I have been smoking weed all week and thanx to the munchies, I cheated.
And it was all at night...late night...because I never smoke when everyone is awake. My kid and man are sleeping and I 2 floors down doing my thangy thang.
But then I wanna eat so I do. I find myself every day going to BK or McD's buying a grilled chicken salad with fat free dressing for lunch and whopper jr. for my high munchies later on. Stupid isn't it?
Well, tomorrow I'll probably be outta weed anyway because I don't buy much...and I will be able to get back on track. I didn't know that pot will allow you to cheat on a diet.
Anyway, Im still motivated though so I am not afraid. Here's to beauty...

My husband has been acting nicely...I put a clamp on my tongue and attitude (boy was that hard) and he starting being nice...and well lets just say that he may be a SOB sometimes he sure can suck some *****. HAHAHAHAHAHA
It's even funner when you are high and are able to imagine him as someone else. LOOOL
Anyway, Im being naughty so Im gonna go now.
Ciao

Over the hump
Mood:  chillin'
I just got over the first week of dieting and I feel okay. It wasn't really that difficult and as a result of my persistence, the cravings have almost vaished and my willpower is much much higher as well as my motivation. I havent gone to the gym at all though....I have just been doing bellydance videos and stuff, but I really need to get my azz there. My dreams of bellydancing are growing more and more and I can't let myself lose that opportunity.
Work sux lately. The women that I work with are the biggest bitches ever. All they do is gripe and treat the customers like shit and smart mouth each other in their menopausal rages and I am always caught in the crossfire. Thank god for Karen, a 40 something who is from Manayunk and has been down the same road I am and then some. This chick has got like, 9+ lives, I swear. She tells me the funniest stories and if it wasn't for her, I wouldn't have survived the transition into that place. She called me last night after a nasty spat with her live in boyfriend and I wasn't able to take her in. I just wasn't prepared to handle it last night. So, she spent the night in jail. HAHAHA
I feel badly though so I told her that she can always come here if she needs. Luckily, she isn't the mooching type so she will probably get a room or something.
I have been planning my new look. For years I have been dying my hair dark and trying to look all dark and mysterious and shit, but it only was because I was so depressed. Now I am back to heavenly blonde with green eyes, and little makeup. I am getting long extensions when I get my tax return. I need a good look that's all.
My husband had been neglecting me it seems lately. He wants me to sign a fucking agreement saying that if he gets a house, I can't take it if I want to divorce him...no f'ing way man!!! So I'm feeling some kind of way about that. But screw it...one day, I won't need his azz no more and he will learn what he did.
Oh well, cest la vie.
Good Night.

this is gonna be a great new year!!....
Mood:  chillin'
Well, Thursday was a day of flashbacks. Im a teller at work in a bank and I was working the drive up staring out at the rainy weather all day long and I began thinking of the hurtful things my hubbo has done to me. Then that night we were gonna go to Red Loster, but ended up in the mall where we ate at the food court and then he brought me ice cream and we passed by a store called 'd.e.m.o' and I saw a sexy outfit I want so bad. Then we went to Red Lobster last night. Still he is nice but then a few hours later he acts like a prick about something and the bubble bursts. Oh well. Monday is the big day I start m diet...Im actually really sxcited because I know that this time is the time. Im going to Florida to visit my dad in the end of Feb. so I hope to be down 40 pounds by then.
I am happy that things are gonna be great. Im biding my time here at home though. Im not miserable but extremely lonely and in need of some tender loving that I dont want from my hubbo. Im in the mood for Amr Diab, a hot azz Egyptian star with a beatiful voice and I wish I could meet him. Someday I will when I go to Egypt. Im planning on eventually living there so I want to be in tip top shape. Just to clear up any confusion...Egypt is very westernized....women have rights there and dress and do what they want to. Its a lot like Italy. I cant wait to go. And women can come and go as they please so Im not gonna be stuck there. Anyway, Im gonna go now so here is the song for the day that I want to chill and dance too a bit...My Song here is what Amr Diab looks like:

Getting Close
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: 246 pounds (said with a shudder)
Well its getting really close to January 2nd...the day that I plan to start this f'ing pain in the azz diet. I cannot express enough how much I hate my body, yet I also hate dieting. Ah well, gotta do what I gotta do, right? I just went online looking for before and after pix and found a lot of good ones and am thinking, "dang! if they can do it, why the hell aint I??!!" I was outside in my yard this night and imagined myself walking around when I have my July BBQ every year on my kid's birthday and imagined myself with my long blonde straight Jen Aniston hair and a long white belly dress with a tank top on and floating around the place like an angel...not this fat, heavyfooted beast that is smothered and sweating to death in the heat wearing long capris to cover up the jiggle that only make my legs look like short stumps. I know I am being nasty to myself but it's terrible!!! I almost lost my motivation today, but thanx to the wonderful world off online images of countless chicks who have lost lots of weight and now look the way I want too, yea, it's back alright!...plus, my dreams off coming out of the closet with my bellydancing are really on my mind too. I want it so bad I can taste it. It hurts to be good at something, but unable to do it.
Im a bit confused. I seen women and pix online that weigh as much as I do right now and they are reallllllly huge. I am not like that. Even a weight doc said that I have thin legs. Well, my parents are quite small...my dad isnt much taller than me and isnt fat and my almost 100% native indian mother is the tiniest. So basically, the bigger the bones, the more fatter ya look. I think I carry this all on a very small frame...even one of my 300 pound friends told me I was really tiny...pphhaaa! go figure!
Anyway, I made a binder up with eating logs and charts in it to assist me. I pray to God that he gives me the willpower to get it together and get my life back...well, I never really had it to begin with because I've been a heffa my whole life. LOL
One thing I am really obsessed with is sagging skin...I mean, I fear it like it is the coming apocalype itself. My old doc said that I am young enough where it won't be a problem, he said, "like a balloon when you fill it with air then release it it goes back down." Plus, I am not fat enough for that...but I am still going to pump iron like a tiger just in case...FYI> muscle holds skin to the bone so, worked muscles=tighter skin. Im even gonna get that book on how to exercise the ones in the face...that's how precautious I am. Anyway,Im gonna go make dinner and dance to the song listed below(Faakerni, by the gorgeous Haifa from Lebanon) If we could all look like Haifa...ah well, (if this isnt motivation, what is!)...thank god im not a jealous gal.
So God, will ya help me out a bit and get me healthier!!
Love ya!
"Faakerni", by Haifa

The Beginning
Mood:  chillin'
Well, this is so not me to go online and make a journal but I think it's something that will help me to help myself. Most of this blog will revolve around weight loss as it is the one thing that plagues the hell out of me day by day. I have so many dreams and desires that are constantly being put aside by my situation and I have had enough.
I have tried dieting and all sorts of junk before but only managed to los 25 pounds. I am a bit compulsive so I realized that I cannot start a diet in the middle of the year...it's just 'not right'. It is the last week of 2005 and I am ready to prepare to change my life.
I am gonna do this for once and for all. I just have to keep reminding myself that a year is gonna go by whether I kick the weight problems or not so I can either sit here on 12-26-2006 still 245 pounds and miserable or I can be my doctor recommended weight of 130 and be sane for once.
I have so many dreams. My love of bellydancing is totally hindered by my weight. I am so talented at it but to disgusted in myself to dance for anyone besides myself. I have a 3 year old daughter who needs a healthier and more energetic mother. I have an Egyptian husband who has treated me like dirt for 8 years who I am giving one last chance to repent and I really wanna show em' all with my new self and my high esteem.
I don't look good fat at all!!!! I have a really pretty face (I cant believe I am saying that cause' I never praise myself but it's the damn truth dang-nabbit!)heehee. I am a sexy young chick trapped in this curse of a body. My head looks the size of a basketball thanks to the fat that landed itself on my neck face and nape of my neck. I have saggy boobs and jiggles everywhere. Luckily cellulite and flab havent set in yet but Im not trying to give them a chance to either. The pain in my legs and back are immense and in the morning, I cannot walk without holding onto the walls for support because my feet are unable to hold up so much weight after a nights sleep. Im only 26 and I feel 62...I cant take it anymore so I am finally ready for the change. Wish me luck and I hope if anyone reads this they can know that they aren't alone and maybe this will help them too. For those of you who havent a weight problem, this is how it goes...food is an addiction. Its like smoking, drinking and using drugs. The only difference is, is drastically alters your outside appearance for as with the other addictions, they tear you up mostly on the insides which is why people with food addictions are ridiculed and discriminated against so badly. But if we were able to view a smokers lung or a pot head's brain, we would see that their flaws are far more hideous. Truthfully, I'd rather have a food addiction than be a crackhead or a drunkard, but oh well....Its still gotta come off.
Im going to bed now...Im spending this last week of 2005 fasting a researching and getting a physical in order to prepare for the beginning of my diet. God, please grant me the willpower I need to better myself...
Love, Tami